731 Days

My intention for today was to write some sappy love letter, an ode, if you will to him at the 2 year mark. But, I don’t want to really revisit all of that. Here’s the thing, I will always miss him, always love him. It is as natural to me as breathing. It is unnecessary for me to relive the day he died here, I do that enough in the middle of the night without having to force myself to relive it all over again.

In a few short months it will be 20 years that I have loved him. I loved him within minutes of our first meeting although I would have never admitted that then. For almost 20 years there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t thought about him. That he hasn’t taken up space in my thoughts or my heart. I don’t think about him about him every second of every day like I did at first, but I can guarantee he crosses my mind every hour of every day, even  now.  I share my life with him , just as I always have, the only difference is that he isn’t here in the flesh. I talk to him, I listen for him, I have conversations with him, I feel him watching out for me, I still value his opinion, his values, and integrity. I try to live this new life in a way that would make him proud. Bodies die, love does not.

Most days I am okay with all of this, some days I am not. I don’t understand the concepts of letting go, moving on, or any of those other clichés that are thrown about. He was and will always be a part of my life.

He is full moons and star filled skies, the rumble of a Harley, homemade popcorn and burnt frozen pizzas. He is the smell of leather, cinnamon tic tacs, and big red gum. He is the aroma of sawdust, blue jeans and tucked in T-shirts. He is Stetson cologne and black cowboy boots, buffalo checked flannel shirts, and cold feet. He is cold beer on a sunny day. He is pennies in a bonfire, brats on a grill, southern rock on humid summer nights. He is black trucks on 2 lane back roads.  He is wintergreen lifesavers hidden in my pockets,  and peanut M and M’s. He is river towns, and all of the colors of fall. He is in the air that I breathe. He is all the love that I carry in my heart.

731 days. Time is nothing.